Black Barfi or White Barfi

Whenever I go watch a movie that deals with topics that requires a certain level of maturity, from not only the filmmaker but also the viewer, I always shudder. I am as nervous as when I am next in line at the dentist, not knowing what to expect. A certain gentleman called Bhansali dealt this emotional scar and the movie was Black.

Some of us cynical entertainment seekers walked out of the cinema after Black, feeling very guilty. We didn’t have tears in our eyes when Rani helplessly wailed, we didn’t feel for Shernaz Patel as she delivered her dialogues in pain, nor did we appreciate Bachchan for his Ayatollah scream fest. In fact some of us had to use cotton buds to save us from becoming deaf which ironically, may have helped us identify with the movie. In the weeks to follow after the release of Black, I was deemed someone who didn’t understand the nuances of good cinema. After all I had the gall to rate Bachchan’s performance in Bade Miyan Chote Miyan and Boom as more likeable than the loud one I had just witnessed in Black. I was told to stick to the senseless ‘Sallu’ movies and never enter the domain of intelligent cinema. Thankfully all that has changed in the past few years. Sallu won hearts of the intelligentsia with Dabangg and Bhansali couldn’t even get himself to watch Saavariya and Guzarish, let alone his driver or other intelligent cinemagoers.

So when I got down to watching Barfi, I didn’t know what to expect.   

I like Anurag Basu. I thought Murder was path breaking, Gangster was one of the better movies of its times and I really would have loved Kites, if only Hritik and Barbara had played deaf and dumb.

The way Basu has dealt the cards in this film is very ‘Life is Beautiful’ or ‘Cinema Paradiso’. I use these films in vain just to showcase my 'good-cinema' knowledge lest everyone thinks I can only compare this sweet, tear-jerker to a Babul or a Bagbhaan.

His characters in Barfi are well etched. Their respective interactions and how it moves the story forward is also something that definitely deserves applause. In Barfi, he also creates a magical environment, though not something you haven’t seen before. Kolkata or Darjeeling have been equally well presented by Pradeep Sarkar and more recently Sujoy Ghosh, but he covers the length and depth of a location with motion - a cycle, a tram, a run, a walk, a car or even a train.

But like overacting and over dramatization, there is also something called over directing, which throws the film from the realm of a tight emotional entertainer to you looking at your phone every now and then to see if someone has messaged. This encourages even an average cinemagoer to behave like he has spent years in an edit studio to suggest he would have chopped a few scenes.

The uneven length of the film also causes the music to be very inconsistent. Not that the songs are chartbusters, but the ups and downs could have been avoided. I would blame this on Basu again, as the music needed to fill a lot of blank spaces, whether required or not.

My ‘Kamzor Kadi’ or in Black parlance, the 'Rani Mukherjee' of this movie was going to be PC. She had the power to ham the film out of the park. I had to watch my reactions only because in these days of political correctness, even accusing PC of overacting would be considered anti-establishment. But I heave a sigh of relief and am happy to say that she and I have survived. She is mildly irritating, but that again is because of the length of the role than it deserved and not a dent on her acting skills, which is encouraging as she can now give up her singing career and focus on what she is really good at. 

The other female lead Illeana is beautiful. She was chosen for this reason. On any other day this role would have gone to Zarine Khan. But fortunately for us and unfortunately for Zarine, Illeana can act. So she is allowed to carry the narrative of this film, which she does quite effortlessly for someone who is making her debut in Bollywood. 

But the real reason Barfi doesn’t submerge to the depths of a Black is Ranbir Kapoor. He carries the film and how! He is the son Bachchan should have had. He is the Virat Kohli of Bollywood. He is Hritik's second thumb. For he can do no wrong. And thanks to his slapstick dramatics(whether Chaplinesque or Raj Kapoor), his expressions and overall energy, he manages to save the film. Between him and Saurabh Shukla they keep the movie real.

I walked out of Barfi a little bored, with no tears but still feeling better than I had felt after watching Black. But then I am the average senseless cinemagoer who doesnt understand the nuances of good cinema. So I will just say, “Ranbir is Barfi! Agar aada ghanta shorter hota, toh mast picture banta!”

Agnee Pat on the back!

Let me start by saying that I was nervous when I went to watch this movie. For starters I am not a big Hritik fan. I hate the fact that despite having two thumbs he is the most desired actor of today. I have two pretty decent looking feet but no one gives a damn. It also hurts that he is pretty picture perfect, great dancer and probably the only actor to have done a range of characters from a king in a period film, to a superhero to a disabled character. So far Hritik 200-Me 0. The only place I win is I have a slightly better vocal range than he does. Lets admit it, his voice sucks! Think of all the movies you(I mean guys) have like Hritik and it has been movies where he hasn't acted dumb, spoken like a high school girl who has just been kissed for the first time, or for that matter just kept quiet or speaks less - Fiza and mission kashmir for starters, the second half of Lakshya and when he was under water in Zindagi Milegi Na Dobara. So I was pretty sure that the success of Agneepath was inversely proportional to the number of lines Hritik had in the movie.

The second reason I was nervous was that I would obviously compare this to the 1990s movie. Yes, Unfair, blah blah, whatever! But I was bound to. So a vision of Hritik in a wet suit shaking Sanjay Dutts hand and then handing his coat to Archana Puran Singh saying ‘Sardi lag Jayega!’ gave me nightmares prior to watching this movie. I was also told by a reputed reviewer that Priyanka Chopra hams in a hangover from Kaminey. I now booked a seat closeset to the exit so I could make a dash if it headed in the direction of Don2.

So with these fears I watched Agneepath. Not once but twice - Only to dig mistakes after mistakes to ensure that I could proclaim that the original was better than this one. In this case though Karan Malhotra 2–Me 0

What makes Malhotraji's Agneepath stand out is that it is larger than life. That's it. It may not be great cinema, its not even brilliant in parts, but its a true tribute to the 80s bollywood film. Like all 80s movies, Malhotra saab has understood the strengths and weaknesses of each of the actors and thus extracted the right performances out of the situations given.

Throw away logic, a larger than life villain, a evil bad guy, an avenging hero, a wailing mother, a comic heroine, and a school going sister and bam! This could be any 80s movie starring Bachchan or even Dharmendra. But Karan Malhotra gives you that and something else – Hritik and he doesn't speak much. Hritik is an absolute beauty to watch in Agneepath. He must have shat his pants when someone told him he is playing bachchan. Mohit Ahlawat did shit his pants and you could see it in his expressions right through RGV ki Aag, but then I digress. Hritik has the charisma, the stubble and the muscle to carry off a vengeful gangster. Even his hair is made to look gorgeous.
Before I fall in love with him, I will turn to the other delight of this film, Rishi Kapoor. Hats off to the man, who's entry scene makes you cringe. Its almost like casting Hugh Grant as Hannibal Lector. But Rishi as Rauf Lala pulls it off brilliantly. He is mean, nasty and everytime you think, he is going to turn into one of those Pran type character roles, he churns out a Ranjeet.

Sanju Baba as Kancha Cheena is very 80s. I would have liked a subtler performance – like Danny from the original, but I was impressed with the consistent hamming. He didn't disappoint. I just wish he didn’t say everything four times. I did get it the first time.

Thank god they got rid of Mithun’s Krishnan Iyer character. I was thinking Riteish Deshmukh, Ali Zafar or even Imran Khan might suddenly leap out as a surprise. But luckily Malhotra Sir didn’t get carried away. That would have meant 25 more minutes of hamming
The one question I did have for Dharma is why didn’t they cast Om Puri as the cop in the original. He was brilliant!

PC was pretty irritating. I would have lost PC and given one more scene to Katrina. She could have been the Parveen Babi…but then that’s just my fantasy speaking

My biggest disappointment though was the mother Zareena Wahab and the sister. They were the hook and the hold. They were Nirupa Roy and the Farida Jalal. They were the reason the hero exists. You get the drift.
Here I thought Malhotra Uncle didn’t give enough for me to run with. The sister wasn’t endearing enough and I didn’t feel for the mother.

My only other gripe is that if they had edited even 25 minutes of the film, dropped a few verses of the songs and some bits of scenes, I really think this would have been a classic.

As for comparisons with the original, I actually think as an entertainer, this was much better and for a 80s buff like me, I loved the masala….

...a very dirty review

Let me get this straight. Dirty Picture is a soft porn film. It’s a film where we see a lot of cleavage and breasts, in the name of a biopic. This makes sense. In the Aviator, a biopic about Howard Hughes, you saw planes. In JFK, you saw the assassination of John F Kennedy. Thus, in a biopic about Silk Smitha, thou shall see heaving of breasts!

I was really surprised when I heard that there was a biopic on Silk Smitha, and not say Madhubala or Parveen Babi, whose lives were much more tragic yet remained in the popular domain of film press for years. The fact that they chose Silk, meant the idea was clear. ‘Boob-y’ traps

The movie does take us through the nothings, the ups and the down of Silk Smitha. Blah Blah Blah. What do I care? I didn’t care when she was alive, and I did read loads of crappy Tamil magazines to know that the quintessential item girl was sleeping with everyone in the Tamil film industry and was resigned to work on soft porn films. I also didn’t care when she died. I didn’t say a prayer. I genuinely had a ‘this was bound to happen’ thought and moved on with my life.

Thus requiring an emotion out of a shallow person like me for a biopic on Silk is waste of time. But if you told me that I was going to get titillated by Vidya Balan, playing a soft porn actress in the film, then game on! So I shall keep the emotions aside and put forth an honest review of a soft porn film.

Making a soft porn film is like making an action film. You need action in every sequence in an action film. You need sleaze in every sequence in a soft porn film. – visual and verbal. There is enough oomph in every scene of TDP that makes you admire the unabashedness(if there is such a word). When there is no cleavage heaving, Vidya titillates with orgasmic sounds as playback to a porn film. When she is driving a car she talks dirty while changing gears. When she is smoking, she blows rings to drive you crazy.  And in the scenes where there is no visual sleaze, the director plays with the dialogues and makes you nervously laugh out loud. Milan Luthria succeeds in making you believe, ‘yeh ladki aise hi aag lagayegi’

Vidya Balan is great as a soft porn heroine. She should do more of this. The seduction of Naseer, the cat and mouse with Emraan and the blowing away (literally) of Tusshar are all shock worthy. You can’t believe your eyes that the girl who was a girl next door in Parineeta, or an ugly sister in NOKJ, is a porn star. Very Jekyll and Hyde. The transition from Sari clad, goody-two shoes, temple-goer by day to a soft porn star by night, is commendable. I say she should be in Big boss 6 or in every Tamil movie I watch. 

My only issue was that towards the end of the film, Vidya became way too fat. I understand that my Tamil instincts should succumb to such puppy fat but it was border lining on salivating on a cow. Here again, instead of biopic realism, they should have stuck to their guns of making an outright soft porn film.

Naseer is good with his sleazy one-liners, Tusshar is cute but acts massively gay for a porn film and my favourite in the movie, Emraan, is the true male star. But they are just pawns in a porn (that was much better when said than read!) 

If you are alone at home with a beer in your hand and your wife and kids have gone to the zoo, take a watch...Dirty picture is your Indian fetish come true!

I hate you (like i love you!)

The song just sticks in your head when you walk out of the theatre, and you are left with the same feeling about the film...I hated Delhi Belly (like I loved it)!

I hated that I got to see the Hinglish version and not the Hindi version(like I loved that this Hinglish film didnt star Rahul Bose)

I hated Abhinay Deo’s last film Game(like I loved Delhi Belly). Guess what a difference a producer makes huh!

I hated that there was only one song (music was outstanding)(like I loved that that song was only a minute long that meant the movie was tight)

I hated that Aamir came in only at the end(like I loved that they teased it way upfront)

I hated that there was way too much potty in the film(like I loved that people could mistake tatti for a diamond)

I hated that Imran carries the film single-handedly(like I loved the support cast and really felt good for Vir Das and Vijay Raaz)

I hated that you will never get to see this on the tele(like I loved the thought of watching it again and again on DVD)

I hated that there was little Delhi(like I loved the characters of the Don, his goons, Vladamir and the landlord)

I hated that all the car chases were in a Santro(like I love that Santro will be suing for the ‘Donkey f#@king a rickshaw’ tagline)

I hated that the fat guy was the one who had all the stomach problems(like I loved that the fat guy got the best lines)

I hated that Anusha got to shake a leg with Aamir(like i loved all the women in the film, including the landlord's wife)

I hated the unnecessary boyfriend track(like i loved the flyover shoot-out chase sequence that followed)


I hated that people were comparing this to a Guy Ritchie film(like I loved that this movie is the best Bollywood ‘adult’ comic-caper to date)

I hated that I cant take my aunt to this film(like I loved the dialogue ‘your g#$%d is a solar eclipse)

Overall, its just sad that everyone wont love Delhi Belly as much as a tolerant few would, and that’s a pity because this movie could have been the next big thing after 3 idiots, and the repeated use of expletives and abuses were a tad unnecessary!

But apart from that self-righteous, spread the message of ‘the new Bollywood’ thought, the movie is brilliant as is refreshing and you realize that you don’t need an Aparna Sen, Rajat Kapoor or a Perizaad Zohrabian to make an off-beat Hinglish movie!

Bollybama and Bollysama

Now that Obama has assured us that Osama is dead and the world is a safer place, it cannot be ignored that art imitates life or the other way around. Bollywood has been at the heels of a story as big as this, and fictitiously we took a look around to see how film-makers perceived a storyline of an ‘Obama-Osama’ saga, in their own inimitable way

Film : Inteqaam ki Aag

Director : Manmohan Desai

Amrit Verma(Satyen Kappu) is a honest inspector in Azad Nagar, living with his wife Durga(Nirupa Roy) and his twin boys Obama Verma(Amitabh Bachchan) and Osama Verma(Shatrughan Sinha). One day, Daku Mangal Singh(Madan Puri) kills Amrit Verma, and kidnaps Osama and flees the country to Afghanistan. Durga in the meanwhile escapes in a ship that takes her and her son Obama to the United States. In a masala plot that ensues, Obama becomes the president of the US and Osama becomes the most daring criminal in the world. Unknown that to them they are brothers, they fight each other. Only when Osama dies, does Durga reveal his true identity. Rekha as Michele Obama, Master Bittu and Iftikar(as Vice President Bidden) form the rest of the cast

Film : Let's Rock!

Director : Farhan Akthar

Obama(Farhan Akthar) and Osama(Arjun Rampal) are a part of a rock band in Goa, along with their friend Tony Blair(Luke Kenny) and Joe Bidden(Purab Kohli).  Obama, the lead singer and the most popular member of the group wants to take his band to the United States, while Osama, the lead guitarist wants to take the band to countries where they can make a difference to the people. In the ensuing argument, the band splits and Osama moves to Afghanistan to stir a revolution with his music, while Obama and Joe start a band in the United States. Tony moves to London. When one hears of the others success, try to destroy each other with their music. Gulshan Grover plays Gilani (a music company owner in Pakistan), who causes this rift. Prachi Desai as Michele Obama and Shahana Goswami as Osama’s third wife form the rest of the cast

Film: Bhai No.1 

Director : David Dhawan

Obama Kumar(Govinda) and Osama Kumar(Chunky Pandey) are two good for nothing brothers who while away their time with their father Kumar’s(Kader Khan) money. One day their father sends them to the city to buy some machine tools for their factory. They get swindled and in the ensuing fight, Obama gets beaten and Osama loses his memory. The captured Osama gets brain washed into becoming a villain. Obama then has to save his brother from the clutches of the evil Saddam(Shakti Kapoor). Karishma Kapoor as Michele Sharma and Raj Babbar as the politician form the rest of the cast. The movie also boasts of the hit number, “ Hai Rama, Tu Obama, mein Osama ”

Film : Wind

Director : Deepa Mehta 

Obama(Lisa Ray) and Osama(Nandita Das) are two eunuchs who live in bylanes of Byculla. Their day beings and ends with doing the rounds, collecting money from the rich at signals, shops and weddings. A photographer George Bush(John Abraham) comes into their life, bringing a lot of cheer and laughter, but by the time they know it, the two are caught in a jealous triangle wanting George to themselves. The movie forms a touching tale of how two good friends who have to fight for their right in society are torn apart by love and become sworn enemies.  

Masala Barbossa!

DMD is a movie that will open your eyes to a few truths of life, that go beyond the movie itself. There were a few questions right through the movie – who is Michael Barbossa? Who is this Rana Daggubatti that Bips dumped John for? Will Abhishek Bachchan do a movie, without you feeling they could have casted Amitabh instead?

By the end of the movie, DMD helped answer all my questions. I now know the origins of Michael Barbossa, why Bips should have dumped John a long time ago and I also know that Amitabh could have done this role easily.

Dum Maaro Dum offers Abhishek a chance to breathe some action into his dilapidating career with his best friend (Rohan Sippy) offering that lifeline to him. The first half moves swiftly, Abhishek enters the scene, Babbar romances and then panics, Rana croons, Bips does some inane ‘frankfinn’ training, Aditya Pancholi shoots off his hip, and suddenly sex, drugs, rock and roll in Goa is presented with Russian panache. We are led through a roller coaster of events that has twists, turns, unnecessary love sequences, brilliant action sequences, mediocre songs, tacky dialogues, some standout characters and Vidya Balan.

Even the twists and truns in the movie, cant make you ignore Abhishek’s dialogue writer for giving him the worst lines for an obsessed narcotics cop. Even Naseer had better lines in Jalwa(The Beverly Hills Cop rip off set in 80s Goa). ‘Baaki sab ke liye Google hai’, ‘Do peg leke hi gutter mein utartha hoon’, ‘mere death day par wet day manana’, ‘phone a friend’ or even the ‘Rang Barse’ sequence, come across as tacky and damp. I still feel, they could have cast Amitabh as a froggy cop and the movie would have probably been better!

Yet DMD has moments of genius. Bipasha’s death scene, the flea market shooting sequence, the dorm-shower fight sequence, are A-grade action sequences that make you wonder why Rohan Sippy would just string the rest of the movie with a pretty loose thread.

My biggest joy was to see Aditya Pancholi back in the thick of things. He has been wasted in recent times, both literally and figuratively with his alcohol issues. He delivers a Dengzongpa-esque performance that is believable. Rana Daggubatti, who sleep-walks through a Sippy movie, overshadows Bachchan and takes over Bips, makes me want to grow up to become him!

Finally Ms Padukone loses all inhibitions making Daddy proud, in a song that has the worst lyrics but works big time for a drug bust sequence...Didnt get her final luring look towards the camera before she disappears though!

Overall Dum Maaro Dum could have been Rohan’s Sholay but ends up being a weaker Bluffmaster!

Game Over!

By now, we all know that Game is a stylized thriller featuring an ensemble B List cast, but deep down, we want to give it a shot for Abhishek’s sake and because it has Farhan Akthar’s name on it. Having seen Game, let me also assure you that though technically excellent, it is badly scripted and extremely amateurish in its narrative. 

As a murder mystery, it leaves a lot of unanswered questions in the end, especially one that stays with you - "Why did Abhishek Bachchan do a movie like Game?" 
The movie is a murder mystery, not of business baron Kabir Malhotra(Anupam Kher) but, of Abhishek Bachchan, the actor. Game has an uncanny resemblance to Abhishek’s own acting career, where you are always at your wits end thinking was this suicide or murder? 
As an avid crime reader myself, I decided to put the possible pieces together that can help me try and solve this puzzle of what may have prompted Abhishek to do this film-

Habit.  Abhishek has made it such a habit that he can only do bad films now.

Money. Amitabh and Aishwarya are no longer giving him pocket money at home

Dialogues. Farhan Akthar himself wrote them so may be some good lines? The problem is that the best dialogues in the movie are in Thai and it’s a pity we couldn’t understand it

Jimmy Shergil. The only other person who will come out of this movie looking worse is Jimmy Shergil. Incidentally Jimmy plays a Bollywood star trying to resurrect his career.

Exercise. I have never seen a hero jog so much in any film. This role gave him an opportunity to exercise and possibly lose weight for his next Dum Maaro Dum

Competition at Prateeksha. If Abhishek hadn’t done it Amitabh would have.

Buy 1 Get 1 free. By doing this movie he gets Luke Kenny’s role in Rock On 2

Bad Music. Unlike all his other movies, Abhishek decided that this time around he will be better than the music in his film.

I still haven’t been able to solve this crime and between then and now other mysteries have come up- India has won the world cup, FALTU has made Game look like a classic and Dhoni has shaved his head. But I am inclined to think this is a suicide, though murder can still not be ruled out, or perhaps an evil twin? 

Actually everyone associated with this movie should contemplate murder. The only person who has any right to feel good about the film is Kangana Ranaut, as she gets to display her knowledge of English beyond the curt 'basterd' that she is known for.